The idea of a personal website has been floating through my thoughts for a while, though its shape has been ever-changing and unknowable. From something resembling a professional online presence, to the semi-coherent ramblings of an unfiltered mind, to a structured collection of things that are important to me, to little more than a more cumbersome version of a social media profile, I’ve painted and repainted this construct so many times that its shape has become unrecognizable, a mud-colored parody of self-expression, suffocating under the weight of countless half-dried layers and sagging, wrinkly blisters.
I often find myself falling victim to this unfortunate kind of journey, spending precious time thinking about projects that ultimately never materialize. And it’s not all for naught, there’s value in these thoughts and ideas, too, though it’s hard not to wonder what could have been, had the time been spent differently. I have yet to find a universal solution to this problem, and I doubt there really is one, so I’m left to deal with whatever mental mess I get myself into, and that’s what this text is.
There’s no thesis, no central argument here, no point that would require paragraphs to back up, no motivation beyond “I should write something and put it on my website”. Put this way, it feels uncomfortably utilitarian, but that doesn’t diminish my enjoyment of the act. I love writing about whatever is on my mind.
Of course, one could argue that when in comes to personal projects, it’s always better to do, than to think about doing, and I’d agree, but that argument is not the point of this text. I am simply following the advice, not giving it.
The main reason why the idea of a website has been on my mind in recent months is that I’ve started reading and writing more than ever before, and I’ve wished for a place to share my musings. And while my real-life friends are kind enough to listen to me go on about some book they haven’t read and aren’t going to, these one-sided conversations weren’t quite scratching the itch. Now, a personal website is arguably even more one-sided, since I’m just putting out walls of text instead of engaging in dialog, but the mere hope that someone stumbles upon this messy pile of loose sheets, starts digging and finds something they deem worthy of a response, is enough to satisfy me.
Speaking of which, I have trouble imagining how interaction with other people is going to feel in this medium. Years of social media use have influenced how I view myself and others in the digital world, and while I do remember the time before I ever made my first Facebook account, it feels like a past that’s impossible to return to – in part because of the childish lack of self-awareness, which I can’t seem to regain these days. Regardless, I’m hopeful that the parameters of a personal website, like the lack of convenience and algorithms, can facilitate social spaces more interesting and human than, say, a YouTube comments section.
Another aspect that has drawn me towards this way of using the internet is a sort of stolen nostalgia, a wish to return to a past I barely experienced, and which, of course, never existed in the way I imagine. It feels warm and cozy, until you start to think about it. Maintaining my own personal website is well outside my comfort-zone, putting myself out there and being seen has always terrified me, so it’s easier to just imagine doing it in a world where everything is comfy, than to actually do it in the real world.
Social media provides a layer of plausible deniability which makes it easier to trick yourself into thinking you aren’t making a fool of yourself, but everything on this website is here because I put it there, on purpose, for no reason other than because I wanted to. And in a way it’s paradoxical, because I do want the cold reality of self-expression and everything that comes with it, but I’m not quite ready to let go of my imaginary world where everything is easy. They’ll have to coexist for now.
I don’t know what kind of impact this site will have on my creative process, but you can be sure I’ll wax poetic about it as soon as I find out. Thanks for going on this journey with me.
Now all that’s left to do is to actually upload this thing and see what kind of shape it’ll morph into next. I’m scared, even though there’s nothing to worry about. It’s my website, and I know it’s perfect. I just don’t know if people will agree with me.